That awkward moment when you are looking at your own work and you have no idea how you got the answer
ryan gosling and ellen degeneres
this is why i love ellen
this is why i love life
Dear, Boy I’ll never have again
I stayed because I thought I needed you. You stayed because you thought I needed you. But the actuality was that I wanted you. I put you in such a place, where every last bit of me wanted you. You were in a place so high in my mind. You came first, no matter what the situation. No matter what you said or did, you came first. For me, you were first. I wanted you, because even though you hurt me, even though you made me cry, even though you didn’t care anymore, I still loved you. Even after all that. But the unfortunate truth was, that you didn’t.. You were sick of it. You wanted out, you wanted to get away. All because you didn’t love me, and were too afraid to tell me. Thinking you were hurting me less by staying, you were hurting me more. Because I kept believing you loved me, and blamed myself for everything you did to hurt me. You were spiteful, and took revenge (for a lack of a better word) for everything I had done to you. What better way to hurt someone, than hurting them the same way back.
And most days, I’m glad. Most days I’m over it. Most days, I know that we have deteriorated in to a bitter-sweet nothingness. We were, but we weren’t, in existence. As much as you claim to have loved me like no other, and that no one will put up with me the way you did. I also believe I can make such a bold statement and stick to it. I also believe that no one will give you the importance I did. My methods of loving you were flawed, and tainted, yes. But my desire to love you, and please you grew to mountain heights near the end of it all. I learned anything and everything in order to please you, and to make you want me like I wanted you. But I was unsuccessful. And there are two possibilities as to why that may have happened. Either a) you fell so out of love, that I became repulsive. b) you fell so out of love, that I became so repulsive, that someone else was giving you what I was. And it just seemed more satisfying, coming from them. Because you had had enough of me. You were sick of me. Because I had been around too long. A part of me still hates you a little. But a part of me also knows that I can’t hate you, because I created what you became. But a part of me is hurt, because you didn’t fight. You didn’t fight for our mere existence. And you promised you would.
A part of me wants to ask you so many things. But another part of me knows that this is as far as itll go. This is as good as it gets. This was just where it was supposed to end. And I know, I know, believe me from the bottom of my heart I know, you are NOT destined to be in my future. And most of me doesn’t want you there either. But sometimes these questions still linger in my mind. Divert me from my train of thought, and pull me away from reality for a quick second. But the biggest question that haunts me, that maybe I never asked because I was afraid of the answer, or the lie. The one question that still hovers over my head to this day, is: WAS THERE SOMEONE ELSE? Did I push you so far off the edge, that you found comfort in someone else’s arms? Whether it was for a mere intimate moment, or a lustful handful of hours? Was I that bad?
I want to ask you this question, but I don’t. What will it matter, if I ask you now? Add salt to the healing wound, maybe. Or maybe it might remind me how useless and unwanted I became for you. I didn’t even need you to love me at the end of the day. I wanted to be wanted. I wanted you to want me, the way I wanted you. Where a part of me had placed you on such a royal throne in my mind, where everything else was cast somewhat in the shadows as your image, and your existential being, had overshadowed all other elements of my life. Its sounds insane, I know. But I believe I found the definition of love. That was it, because to this very day, almost 100 days from the moment we last locked lips, I still hold you on that pedestal Just now, it appears as a fantasy, rather than a reality. Now you are the beauty that lies in the dark. A bitter-sweet memory. And I would like that to disappear, but it wont. Because my love evolved, was real. When I said I still loved you; I meant it.
When I say I loved you, I loved the man you once were. The man that made me complete. Not what you’ve become. I don’t know if it’s fair of me or, crude, but I don’t want any part of what you’ve become. Its disgusting, and loathsome rather. What you are today. However, even though I don’t want you, I still love you. And unfortunately always will. Because when I said I loved you, I meant it.
The girl you’ll never have again.
Base By: Jahrenesis